In many relationships that don’t end in marriage (well actually even then), there usually is a time when you have to say “hasta la vista baby.” the two of you have shared memories together that when you look back upon, you will either laugh or cry. but whatever that memory might be, once a relationship ends, it’s time to say “thanks” or “no thanks” for everything and move on.

But somewhere along the line, there’s always the “let’s remain friends” compromise to many breakups. it’s the much gentler way of saying, “hey, you’re not that bad. it’s not you. it’s me. but look, i still want to be friends with you.” *smile* the question that my friends and i discuss a lot is:

can you be good friends with your ex?

ok. let’s face it. whenever there’s a breakup, it’s usually never mutual. usually one person is the one that causes or initiates the breakup and is labeled “heartbreaker”, while the other person is left hurting and dwelling on the breakup for weeks on end. ok. i admit. even the heartbreaker could hurt too, but usually the one who initiated the breakup moves on faster than the one who didn’t.

after having meditated and burned incense on this question, my friends and i have come to the conclusion that NO, it’s very rare for many people to become truly good friends with their ex’s.
See these examples.. :
take me for example. although my ex and i agreed that we would be good friends, we’re really not. sure, i get a greeting on my birthday and during the holidays and i just greeted him on his birthday, but those are about the only times we communicate. and i actually prefer it this way. i’m sure he and his wife now does too.

however, i have a friend whose boyfriend and his ex have become best friends instead. whoa! yes. it’s true. it can be done. but, when your ex is your best friend and you tell your best friend things about your current relationship, hmm, you could land yourself in a heap of mess.

so why can’t ex’s remain friends?

Here’s some reasons i’ve read on why the can’t:

* there’s always a heartbreaker and the heartbreakee. same as mentioned above.
* you know what they look like underneath all those clothes. you’ve seen each other naked. whenever you smell their special perfume or cologne, or whenever you hear music that was special to the both of you, you’re always going to remember that person and the things you used to do together ( ie, make love, make-out, etc)
* you can’t divulge intimate details about your current relationship to your ex. it would just be wrong for you to tell your ex you just had the greatest sex of your life with someone else.
* bitterness comes into play. an ex can pretend to be a friend, but deep down they’d rather see you and your current partner dead (jk).
* jealousy. seriously - who really likes seeing their ex being lovey dovey with someone else anyway?

source : Daphne in FS.

Yup.. kebanyakkan dari kita pernah merasakan seperti ini. Atau mungkin emang kita selalu seperti ini??
Kemarin sore, tiba-tiba ada email masuk dengan subject “why do u hate me?” ternyata dia adalah temenku dan dia cerita kalau dia dimusuhin sama mantannya.. and then, dia tanya sama aku, “apa sih yang menyebabkan orang kalau putus itu musuhan?”, “Kesannya jadi tidak dewasa yaa..? kayak anak kecil, dan ironisnya orang-orang dewasalah yang bersikap seperti ini”

Yes, absolutely.. ada beberapa kemungkinan ketika orang putus, kita sebut saja sebagai “break path” untuk keadaan seperti ini. Aku langsung menjawab sbb :

Dear X,

Letak permasalahannya bukan ada pada tua / nggaknya orang itu.. tapi karena sikap dewasanya itu dari masing2 pribadi.. imagine, biarpun orang tua tp klo cerai dan akhirnya berantem / ribut, itu mereka blm dewasa dalam menghadapi persoalan dan kenyataan dalam hidup ini.

Ada bbrp hal sih yg buat orang itu jadi saling musuhan..
klo dari sisi yg “musuhin” mungkin karena dia pikir, putusnya itu tuh nggak baik2, masih ada urusan2 yg blom beres, masih ada yang ngegantung, ataupun masih penasaran ama suatu hal yang menyebabkan mereka putus..

Ataupun ketika orang “diputusin tiba2″ satu sisi, bs membuat yg di putusin itu tuh kecewa, kaget, dan merasa “nggak bisa terima”.. jadi yg ada, yg diputus2in bertanya2 “napa sih g di putusin?” , “apa salah g?”, “kenapa kok gini?” etc etc…. dan dari sisi yg “dimusuhin” pasti keki donk, “apaan sih neh, kayak anak kecil aja.. prasaan jadian baik2, napa putus jadi begini..?”

Yah, kadang-kadang kita juga tidak bisa memaksakan kalau ex kita tuh mau marah / kecewa dengan keputusan kita, walaupun di hati ini masih ada rasa mau tetap berteman, atau paling nggak keep in touch, still care each other, etc.. Bingung juga apa sih yang jadiin para “korban” merasakan kalau mereka emang nggak perlu lagi keep contact sama mantannya? Apakah mereka terlalu sakit hati? Apakah mereka terlalu malu? Apakah mereka terlalu benci? Hal itu yang memunculkan spekulasi tidak jelas dan menambah rasa bingung “pelaku”. Mengutip dari salah satu artis yang saat ini sedang dalam proses perceraian, “kalau kita nikah baik-baik, cerai juga harus baik-baik!” Jangankan pacaran, ceraipun aja harus berpisah secara baik-baik. Toh tidak ada rugi apabila kita menjadi “teman” dengan mantan kita. Justru yang menjadi rugi adalah ketika kita menjadi “musuh” yang ironisnya dulu kita pernah berbagi rasa bersama…

How bout yours?? :)

Saranku cm 1 : keep in touch with your Ex’s and don’t you try to break path, becoz we as human need social life.. Even though we are not in the same boat again, we should keep in touch. Nggak rugi kok kalau kita punya banyak teman, punya banyak kenalan..

Further info just send me mail ;)

Be blessed,

el